You’re Not Out of Shape, You’re Just Out of Practice
You’re not out of shape.
You’re just domesticated.
You sit, scroll, scroll some more, and then wonder why your joints make horror-movie noises when you stand.
It’s not moral failure—it’s conditioning. You adapted to the modern world, and he modern world has the ergonomics of a padded coffin.
Let’s un-adapt you.
The Myth of Motivation
Everyone’s out here chasing motivation like it’s a rare Pokémon. Spoiler: motivation’s a one-night stand. It shows up hot, leaves fast, and ghosts you by week two.
Discipline isn’t the answer either. That’s just motivation in a trench coat.
What you actually need is momentum. Tiny wins that make your brain go, “hey, this isn’t awful.”
Start there. Build forward.
How “Shape” Really Works
Bodies remember movement the way musicians remember songs. Stop playing for a decade, you’ll hit a few wrong notes—but the rhythm’s still in there.
Your body’s not out of shape. It’s just forgotten the choreography.
So remind it:
Walk like you’re late to something interesting.
Stretch like you’re flirting with gravity.
Lift groceries like you’re auditioning for an action movie.
Functional fitness is just life practice with better lighting.
The Anti-Workout Workout
Here’s your low-commitment starter kit. No gym membership, no guilt.
Morning: 2 minutes of spinal movement. Cat-cow, shoulder rolls, twist.
Midday: 10 squats or lunges before you open another tab.
Evening: One stretch you actually like. If that’s lying on the floor pretending to be dead, great. Start there.
Consistency beats intensity. You’re not training for the Olympics—you’re training to survive capitalism.
The Doom Patrol Philosophy
You don’t need to become some hyper-optimized productivity cyborg. You just need to move enough that your body stops plotting revenge.
In Gotham, movement keeps you alive. In California, it keeps you sane. Somewhere between the two is where normal people thrive.
Fitness isn’t punishment; it’s rebellion.
You move so the world doesn’t grind you down into your office chair.
What Comes Next
Don’t call it a “routine.” Call it “damage control.”
You’ll start to notice little victories: stairs that don’t feel murderous, sleep that hits deeper, confidence that sneaks up on you.
You’ll also start craving it—the movement, not the misery.
And that’s how it sticks.